Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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