alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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