Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
