and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
