I met the friendliest cop last night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
