The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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