i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
