i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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