What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
