If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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