If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sorry about my life...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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