Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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