she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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