that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
