I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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