So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
