she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
