she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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