Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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