My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
