I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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