as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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