i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
