I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
