I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
