Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
