When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
