If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
