one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
