The maid of honor just puked.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
