I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
