White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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