im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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