Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
