you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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