If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize