I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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