Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize