did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My liver just had a heart attack.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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