Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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