My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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