fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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