I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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