I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
