new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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