3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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