My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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