I'm so fucking centered right now
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
