And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
