we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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