I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
