I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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