What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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