her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
