nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
