so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
