I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
