Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
