five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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